Dallas and I met when we were freshmen in college at Montana State University. What started as a friendship turned into something so much more. Obviously--I mean it's been 9 years, a huge wedding, two dogs, two moves and several life experiences later.
When you have been married for a couple of years, the one question you get from everyone is, "When are you two going to have babies?" This was something that never really bothered me because we had decided to wait and experience life as a couple before we had kids.
In April, we were surprised by the news that we were going to be parents. What started as a rollercoaster of emotions, turned into excitement and pure joy for this next step in our lives. We picked our doctor, scheduled our appointment, and were eagerly awaiting the time to tell our families.
After sharing the news with our families, we were stopped in our tracks when I started bleeding on a Tuesday morning. Dallas came home from work and we cried, stared in silence, and hoped that it was a false alarm.
We went into the doctor's office with so much sadness and uncertainty. I looked around the room and I couldn't help but think, "Why us?" While holding onto my husband's hand, we went into the ultrasound room to hopefully hear our baby's heartbeat. I laid down on the table and we found out that the baby had no developed past 6 weeks. (at this time we were 8.5 weeks along).
Our hearts were broken; and they still are.
I find myself uneasy every time I see a new baby announcement on social media--not because I am not happy for the couples who are expecting, but because we were supposed to be going through those same steps.
Please know I am not sharing my story to make you feel bad for us but I am sharing because I want you to know that this stuff happens. It's miserable and heartbreaking but you have to believe that everything happens for a reason.
Here are a few things that have helped me through this challenging time:
My amazing husband: This experience has made us closer than ever. He has realized how much the female body goes through and he has been so supportive. It has also made us realize that we are ready for the next step in our life together.
Talking to couples who have experienced a miscarriage before: It is a fairly common thing-- as painful as it is. This has been very helpful during this time of mourning and healing.
Knowing we can get pregnant: The simple reminder that we were able to get pregnant is a blessing in itself.
Staying busy and getting outside
Reading books on gratitude & healing
Stepping away from social media
Our families: They have been so supportive & comforting
Exercise: This is my form of therapy in a sense. I feel so much better when I move my body and it has helped me feel like myself again.
Crying: I cry almost on the daily--I simply have to get my emotions out.
As we go into this next season of our lives, I want you to know that I am here to talk or listen if you have been going through a painful experience of your own. Life is hard, painful and just simply a real bitch sometimes...but it is also beautiful, exciting, and full of love. I challenge you to practice gratitude, share your feelings, and live each day to the fullest. Enjoy the sunshine, feel your emotions, and tell those special people in your life that you love them.
Over the next week, I will be sharing in more details about this journey:
The emotions that went along with finding out we were going to be parents
Empowered for a new adventure
Grieving over our sweet Baby K who we never got to meet
Love & growth within our marriage
Accepting that everything happens for a reason
Support from friends & family
Thank you for being here.